This Friday the 23rd will mark the 1 year anniversary date of my divorce being finalized. At the time, I pledged that I would give myself a year. A year alone for God to heal me, shape me, and to process the climax of the past 15 years. And that He has done.
During this time I wouldn’t date or pursue romantic relationships. There were temptations, and times of loneliness but I new that it was best for me. I also understood that I had a responsibility to protect other women. I found myself in an internal conflict during this time. This placed me in continued dependance on Jesus and I am sure it forced me to deal with heart issues that I would have never dived into so early on. Ultimately, I feel this was used to both test me, and heal me. It was difficult, but I highly recommend staying single during the 1st year for those that are facing this situation.
Because I was separated for a year prior to the divorce I was able to go through of my firsts alone, but this time I went through them as a single person. The first birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, and Valentine’s Day without a spouse. Honestly, these still some tough days for me, and the end of the year seemed to be the most difficult. I was single but I wasn’t alone. God has given me an awesome church family, and friends. They have stood by me, and invited me into their homes when I could have been alone. I can say that I am eternally grateful for the goodness of our God during this time. I have made it past the firsts, and those days are in the past now. I can now look forward to new firsts.
Who am I?
I blamed myself quite a bit for what happened for some time. After seeing Crazy, Stupid, Love I found myself knowing exactly how Cal Weaver (Steve Carrell) felt. I wrestled with my insecurities, fears, failures, and who I was as a man. I realized that the past was done, and there was no changing it. I also realized that I can be only myself. It was frustrating and exhausting trying to be someone that I was expected to be knowing that I could never be that person. I was able to see that my identity was not in what I do or my past or my failures but my identity is in Christ Jesus. I won’t lie and say that there aren’t moments were my insecurities try to creep in but they are just a reminder for me to stay fixed on the gospel of Jesus Christ. God is still shaping, molding, and transforming me into the man He intended me to be. I know He will accomplish this.
This will mark the end of this season of my life for me. I know that God is good, and He wants good for me. He has provided for me, loved me, and walked with me in ways that I never would have expected. And though, I don’t deserve it He has forgiven me, and loved me because of what Jesus has done on the cross. I know that in due time He will bring someone else along my side, and that it will be an awesome picture of redemption. It has all has been for His glory. What comes next I don’t know but I can trust Him to be faithful because He has been faithful in the past.
For I know the plans that I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. Because he has loved Me, therefore I will deliver him; I will set him securely on high, because he has known My name. “He will call upon Me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble; I will rescue him and honor him. “With a long life I will satisfy him And let him see My salvation.” Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and of death. The Spirit Himself testifies with our spirit that we are children of God, Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come. For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.
(Jeremiah. 29:11, Psalm 91:14-16, Romans 8:1-2;16, 2 Cor. 5:17, Philippians 1:6)